It was you the whole time!
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
I’ve got a hen who can count her own eggs…
She’s a mathamachicken…
“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?
Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
I used a penny stamp to mail a love note. But instead of writing it, I only sprayed it with my favorite cologne.
With a cent, I sent a scent.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Lego Land
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
Kate is a pretty name, it’s the name I would want to give to one of my twin daughters.
I would name the other one "DupliKate'
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite
But they're a solid #2
Dad (points at my foot): your sock has a hole in it!
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers…
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them…
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.
It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.
A cheese factory exploded in France.
All that was left was de Brie.