It wasn’t even very good before
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
A young woman goes to her doctor… (NSFW)
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks “Ma’am, are you a lesbian?” The woman stares for a second, then says “Yes, I am. Why?” “There’s the problem.” the doctor said “Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.”
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
You should never run with scissors…
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him. “I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.” “A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked. “Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. . .
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
A Boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do. He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, “So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,” The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”. “Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager. The boy replied, “There all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said. The boy replied, “Really!? What team did she play for?”
A man was driving down the road
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.
On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?” “I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?” With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time. He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?” “Driver’s license and registration please.”
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
You’re gonna need to read this a few times
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
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I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
Bros Vs. Hoes.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.