It wasn’t even very good before
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.
Don’t kiss after midnight
It's not proper to kiss on a first date!
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A head banger
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him: "Tell me what happened to your back…?" The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy… That is how I strained my back.!" Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad.. But you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you ?" He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job… I forgot to set my alarm and I was late… I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time. And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge. I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me…!!!" Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??" The patient replies: "Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge………."
I snacked on fire ants and now I have heart burn!
Guess I should take an antacid….
Some people have trouble sleeping…
…but I can do it with my eyes closed.
They should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds!
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
Distinctly possible it is
You ever wonder if the reason Star Wars movies came out the order they came out was because Yoda was in charge of the release dates?
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
Wrong impressions
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over" Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over" Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car………
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans