It worked without the subtitle
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
“Dad, what do ballerinas wear?”
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven….
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! How’d you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn’t check in the freezer…..we’d both still be alive! My father everyone! 😁
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.
If you can’t come let me know.
A pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse rushes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand!” The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her immediately!! She’s having contractions!!”
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
Why couldn‘t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
Sexual position of the day
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"