It works don’t touch it
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.”
What does a grape say when it’s squashed?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Did you hear about the communist sniper?
He was an incredible marxman
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
“We care about our students and we want to help them”
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
That’s how mafia works
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
At least its working
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
Oh god. I hope he finds someone to make sandwiches for.
I want YOU to come join our new Discord server! wcgw
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
Might as well call a spade a spade
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
My dad just sent me this
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
I told my son the other day to never write with a dull pencil.
There's no point
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
I’m out of TP
Wow what is this??? An I hate my wife post???? SHOCKED AND APPALLED
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Not explicit but it has the art style
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
My dad sent me this. Well shit my dads a boomer
A millennial buying a home
No text found
Right behind ya
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Phone bad, eat bad too.
Yesterday I watched a match of women’s volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.
Happens every time
What do you call karate for amputees?
“No it’s not the same thing”
I hate insomnia, it’s a horrible condition
I'm losing sleep over it. On the plus side, it's only 3 more sleeps until Christmas
The architect of impeaching presidents says what?
Indian people learning by Osmosis
The secret service leading the president away from the protesters
A whole juicy story
young bad old good
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
My half-awake brain delivered unto me this gem today
What will you do if that’s get true?
The same mistake every single time!
Level of pettiness: extra petty
What is the opposite of adulting?
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
Next level noses
It is 40˚ outside