It would be a real shame if this were to go viral
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old man. "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, they both ask: "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don’t wake up until 7:00."
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
Why didn’t the Asian guy get a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?
He lost the other in Nom.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
I was visiting my cousin and he just blew through a red light …
I yelled, "Are you crazy?!" He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again. "You're gonna get us killed," I shouted. And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes. I asked, "Now what?" He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
Apple is releasing what they call the iKnife
It's cutting edge technology.
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
Two twins have a race in the morning
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.
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What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid