It would be a shame
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays but no Science Holidays?
Because science works.
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!
Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
I finally got myself a girlfriend!
I wish I could post this in another subreddit…
A couple goes to a sex therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe tens or twenties?
Check out Tender!
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”
“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly. “I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.” His new bride pondered this for a moment and said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.” “No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
Secret security
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore.. They should yell "Donald, duck!"
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What do you call chickens who count their eggs?
A mathamachicken
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.