It would be so easy to just not include your annoying opinion in the screenshot.
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
How do you make chocolate milk?
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?
Thats easy… Batman doesent want to get shot.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
Some cities have bathrooms that you pay to use.
You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.
I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess!"
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.