Its a 10 step process apparently
I hate those annoying Russian Dolls…
They're so full of themselves…
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ”I’m fucked…”, but a voice in the back of his head says: ”Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!”
''What?! Why?'' – thinks the cowboy. ''Just kill the chief!'' – says the voice. The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief. As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''Now you're fucked…''
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?
His name was Rick O'Shea
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana
.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."