It’s a bit chilly, so I’m going to Basque in the sun.
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
What did one orphan say to another?
Robin, get in the Batmobile
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
How do cells multiply?
By dividing.
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
I should have listened to my grandfather…
— what did he say? — I don't know. I didn't listen.
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But Catscan.
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can't spell toboggan. – Stanley G. Kapuscinski
WHAT DO WE WANT??! RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!!
Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww
I have sexdaily
Crap! I mean dyslexia
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating…..
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Imagine the titanic with a lisp..
It’s unthinkable
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’ ‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back. ‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly ‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because…
Every calculator counts.
