It’s a brew-ti-ful pun to keep us perky
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Man, it’s so cold outside..
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks. " The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied . "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
It is interesting to realise that the Indian Gods are also called Devs
/r/teenagers/comments/f2yg7u/it_is_interesting_to_realise_that_the_indian_gods/
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
I called the tinnitus help line
It kept ringing
My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.
I told her it's just a plant
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.
Then I realised she can't even.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying
Are you having a crisis?
Trump’s parents are in trouble
They made a racist joke.
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"