It’s a double caption kill
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Running out of gas!
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
She told em to pipe down.
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
I have to tell someone about this because I’m at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they’re to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!…..IT WAS TRIX!
At least that's what she said in her diary.
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
“Same time next month?”
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
He threw in the towels.
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises” The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet” He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!” The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm. The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?” The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!” The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?” The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?” The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
I hope it's just a phase.
Geralt of Trivia
The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English." The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French." The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat, and they are told this is paradise. My friends, they are definitely Russian."
…has only made me stronger.
I said "no dice."
Wait, I’m still working on it.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t,” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.