It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he's aware wolf
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
Every day I forget which direction the sun rises…
Then it dawns on me
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn’t stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..
Put in my too-weak notice.
Catholic school girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end…
But a beautiful finish
How south is South Africa?
South AF
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally I’m on the fence.
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
What’s a communists favorite part of math?
The distributive property.
Why did the doctor get angry ?
Because he lost his patients .
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.