It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
What is the downside of eating a clock?
It's time-consuming.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
A boy come home from school and says “Guess what mom? I had sex with my teacher today!”
The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son: "GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!" So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens the door, and says with a stern voice: "Your mother told me about your day at school… I can't tell you how deeply, seriously, and truly PROUD I AM OF YOU!! HIGH FIVE BUD! For you to get it in, at your age, with a teacher?! I love that my young man's a STUD! To celebrate you being AWESOME, you're getting a brand new bike. Right now, let's go!" So the proud father and son walk to the bike store and walk out with a new set of wheels. The father says: "There she is son, how about you ride this baby home?!" The son replies: "Dad, I'd love to but I can't, my asshole still hurts!"
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
I am a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well
Breaking news: Ireland worse air disaster occurred last night..
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war…
…5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.
They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached. "Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her. The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!" Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her, "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!" After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, momma? Are we in danger?" The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement knows what it's talking about."
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
My girlfriend broke up with me. So i took her wheel chair.
Guess who came crawling back.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship?
They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.
I gotta hand it to him.
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
What do you call a bear covered in strawberries
To be honest even I dont know u choose
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.
'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller