It’s A Free Country – The Choice Is Yours.

Religion brought them together.

He trained.

Because you can’t see in the dark

I said, “Mark, my words!”

In hindsight, paper would have been better.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.

Big mistake.

“Pop” goes the weasel

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

Solid.

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster until the train derailed and killed one person. Bob was taken to trial and was found guilty of murder, sentenced to death by electric chair. Now Happytown was no normal town. They strongly believed in religion. This caused the town’s special rule: if a person survives the electric chair for fifteen minutes straight, it is considered divine intervention and they are free to go. So Bob is sent to the electric chair. The executioner offers him his final meal. Bob asks for a single banana. Then, the executioner hooks Bob up to the electric chair and turns it on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still alive and well, so he is let go. Two days later, Bob manages to get his job back as conductor for the Happytown train. Just like before, he decides to see how fast he could go. He goes faster and faster until the train derails once again, killing two people this time. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by the electric chair. Bob shows up to the chair and is offered his last meal by the executioner again. This time, Bob asks for two bananas. He eats the bananas and the the executioner turns on the chair. Low and behold, fifteen minutes later, Bo had not yet come even close to death. The executioner let him go and Bob went on his way. Around a week goes by and Bob manages to get his job back as the conductor (Happytown must have been really desperate for train conductors to hire him once again). Just like the last two times, Bob goes too fast and details the train, killing three people. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by electric chair. When Bob arrived for his execution, he asked for three bananas for his final meal, but the Executioner recognized him and was annoyed. The executioner told Bob “I’ve had enough of this. I’m not just gonna let you get by murdering people again and again, so I’m not letting you have your magic bañas that somehow keep you alive.” The executioner then attached Bob to the chair without giving him his bananas and turned the chair on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still sitting there as if nothing is going on. Astounded, the Executioner stares at Bob and goes, “How are you doing this?” Bob relies, “The bananas have nothing to do with it. I’m just a really bad conductor.”

From the well, actually.

Good players are hard to find.

He was obviously milking it

It's a blessing in disguise.

People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!

In order the figures were: 1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David. After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads: "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"

The longest sentence is ‘I do.’

A centipede

Phlegm-boyant

You stop pretending.

They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing. As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there. "Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus." "I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money." "Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier. So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!" He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?" The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!" The driver answers, "Typical country weather….Don't you agree?" The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back. The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says. Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?" The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!" To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather." The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat. Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely. The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?" The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one." So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?" The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!" "F#ckin' cold, eh?!"

Because if it was served warm, it would be just water

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."

One Buck

Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck

So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

CHARLIE: That’s wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.  Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.  Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."  Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.  Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.  Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy says "It's a pussy willow."  Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."

You can hide, but you can’t run.

Rrrr

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr Sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!" The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr Tiger, don't drink beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!" The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and starts mauling the shit out of the rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they scream, "Dude, what the fuck!? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and growls, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."

I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."

All that was left was de Brie.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.

I’m in for an intense vowel movement later

Ass Crack