ITS A FUCKINF ADD
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
No text found
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.
I have only my shelf to blame
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
I have some breaking news for her.
She got a second wind.
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?” And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.” So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.” And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?” Edit: So apparently there was a joke like this a month ago and I didn't notice, this wasn't a repost.
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
It is my jingle bell rock.
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. payitforward
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?” “Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book. “I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked. “First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book. “Do you live around here?” she asked. “Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it
There’s no home page
OK Boomer Edit: well holy fuck 7 upvotes and I got my first gold. Not sure what I’ll do with it. But thank you kind stranger.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
don't be elfish!
Just to let her know I was thinking of her.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
I have some breaking news for her.
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
… But I got a very bad reaction
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”