It’s a nice, warm 90º where you’re going, sir
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
Rosy and Sunday school
Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: “Who created the universe as we know it to be?” At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?” Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?” Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out “Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
What did helium say to the balloon?
Lighten up
I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, “Does anyone know CPR??”
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
Did you hear about the electrician who played guitar?
He was really good with his chord changes
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
Ba na na na
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.