The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
ba dum tss
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
it was two-tired
were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
5 beers please
So I packed all her clothes and left.
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
I'm under a lot of pressure
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
The Final Countdown
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
Nothing, they fast.
A four-chin teller.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer
There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. EDIT: holy crap this is my most upvoted post. Thank you all!
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
Because you can't C in the dark
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.