it’s a plate!
He had a bright idea
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
No shit Sherlock
He was consumed by his own pride!
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
But you know how the saying goes.
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” “Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
The pupils, they dilate.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people. He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave him the death sentence. The day finally comes and he enters the electric chair room. They ask for his last meal and he asks for one banana. He eats the banana and goes to the chair. They shock him but somehow after the shock he's still alive. Everyone in the room is like "Oh wow he lived, welp i guess we'll let him go." So off he goes back into the world (with a really poor legal system). He decides that he still wants to be a train conductor. So he goes back to being one, he's so confident nothing will go wrong this time. Aaaand then he crashed again, killing even more people. He went back to court again and of course the judge gave him the death sentence. He goes back into the death chamber he was once in, and this time for his last meal he asks for just two bananas. He eats them and goes to the chair. They really dont want him to live so they push the electricity even higher this time. However once again he lives. Everyone in the room is so astonished they dont do anything when he walks out. So this absolute madman decides to conduct trains again. What do you know he messes up again. So he goes to court and all that and he's back in the death chamber. When they ask what he wants for his final meal he says that he wants three bananas. They say "No you can't have your bananas, every time you've had them you survive the execution." They don't give him his bananas or any other choice for a last meal and throw him into the chair. They crank the electricity up to full power and sparks fly everywhere, the room is filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, he's just sitting there smiling, unscathed. They're so confused and even scared, they ask him how he somehow survived a dose of electricity that should kill anything it touches. His answer? "Well really im just not a good conductor." Sorry for the long and probably badly written joke
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
The Salivation Army
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."