It’s a purr-fect 10/10! (i.e. my cat sleeps in the strangest positions)
A young man was talking to his parents
Son: I decided that I'm ready to tell you that I'm gay. Dad: *clenches his fist * Mom: Don't… Dad: *sweats profusely * Mom: …. Dad: Hi gay, I'm dad! Son: Dad, cut it out, I'm serious. Dad: Serious? I thought you were gay
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
My wife said she was reading a banned book
I asked if it was about marching or jazz
What did a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a promotion?
He was out standing in his field.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you
You have my Word
Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It’s a bit hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
A bigot, a liar, and a rapist walk into a bar
The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and chips, please.”
“Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
