What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
I had my first date last night.
I think I’ll stick to raisins.
What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
I put all my watches together to make a belt
It was a waist of time
I was told to post this here
this here
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
What does the horse say after falling?
“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up”
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment…
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole…it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus ?
It wasn’t born yesterday
Mod Applications
We’ve been talking about mod apps for years now, but it’s never actually materialized.Well, here’s the Google FormAfter a week or so we will look through all of the responses and stalk profiles do research and see who the best candidates are.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
A husband and wife were having dinner…
…at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?" The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress." The wife angrily says, "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce." He replies, "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari's in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband tells her, "That's his mistress." The wife says, "Well, ours is prettier."…
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back
I said "where are you going?" He replied "Fancy dress party" "What as?" I asked "Tortoise" the man shouted back "Who's she?" I questioned To which he responded "That's Michelle"
Mess up the formatting
How do you ruin a joke?
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.