It’s a young blonde genie’s first day on the job…
It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong.
She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy.
For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile and wink at him.
One of her fellow genies says, " well, that all sounds great, why are you so upset?"
Our genie replies, the last wish is what I just don't understand. He seemed so happy with his first two wishes, why with his third did he wish to be hung like a black man?
The past, present and future walk into a bar
It was tense
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
How did Helen Keller know an angel was always watching over her?
It was Heaven-scent
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
[Meta] Puns vs Jokes
Does anyone feel a little bothered by the blurring line between puns and jokes? I was driven away from r/jokes because it was essentially a subreddit of meta-reddit-puns, clever at first, but they quickly became predictable in the sense that the punchlines are essentially just play-on-words. Is the general consensus here that the current state of the subreddit is fine? Do we need improvements? What are your thoughts on this matter?
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
My mate said he’d seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
A cop pulled someone over
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
6:30 is my favorite time of the day
Hands down
What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
I used to work at an unemployment office…
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer. The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down." The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?" The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?" Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"
Your essays should be like a girls skirt.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
What did the gender-neutral gold miner say to their foreman?
“There’s gold in them/their hills.”
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennssine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures. The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".