It’s all about the buzzwords
Yes, very interesting…
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Why didn’t 4 jump into the pool?
Because they were 22
A dyslexic man stormed Area 15
Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad" They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed
When the Corona-Paranoia sets in…and you have a moment.
I’m not worried. Are you worried?
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
In the same press conference smh
I bet a minute later he tries again :)
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
House Republicans Right Now
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
A large group of rats is referred to as a Mischief…
Which is it?
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
Coronavirus keeps delivering
Have truer words ever been spoken?
If you know, you know
Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
thE ImMigRAnTs Are ComInG fOr YoUr JObs!
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your point of view..
But I can see where you are coming from.
19 and 20 got into a fight
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
GCSEs are fun
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
Intelligence was never an option
They’re not Wrong
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
owo is deep
What does a house wear to a party?
Watching reopen protests on the news while reading this hit different
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
BOTH WIFE AND HUSBAND BAD?!
He means a LittleBitOfEverything expert
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
A wife asks her husband, “Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?” “No” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh… no, I haven't" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties… and pulled out a crumpled fifty-dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty-dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. Then she said "Have you ever seen $75,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No!" he said… trying hard now to hide his anticipation. She said "Might want to check the garage".
We’re going to need a new upgrade..
what is this?
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
Thank you, very cool
One day, a wife came home early.
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
the most important thing on the code
Here’s a real knee-slapper
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
push for this … for the greatest, [agility]
My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend…
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
*Laughts in chinese
My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke
A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind! He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?" The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!" The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!" The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror. "Yin. Yin. Yyy…inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!" After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to–" But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a gin, please." The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that gin, sure thing. What would you like it with?" The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
Now I know what all the toilet paper hoarders are doing
Building websites for family & friends be like..
Hope this isn’t a repost..
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
They really are losers
The architect of impeaching presidents says what?
The all knowing, very wise king fucked up big time
Who don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of the dog.
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock