Man walks into a bar with a boot on his head
The Canadian bartender says, "what's that about?" Man says, "yes."
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the mars?
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
My wife asked if her turn signal was working
I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ….the worst case scenario.
Why can’t ants get Covid-19?
They have tiny little antibodies…
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
An old Jew on his deathbed
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here … why is the light on in the kitchen?"
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
Why did the “A” run away
There was a B
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
What do Mexico and Canada have in common?
They both border on stupidity.
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler
sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in‘unt?” Only one word leaps to his mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is aunt." “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
What do you call the testicles of a peacock?
His peanuts
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!” Suddenly,everything–the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.” The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?” Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”