It’s almost as if past performance is an indicator of the future…
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes …
But I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey "
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, nobody came.
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
Dad, why is that book so thick?
"It's a long story"
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
What’s the time?
11:34 right now
Do you need an ark?
I Noah guy.
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
A poor Irish family…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
No text found
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
My son wanted me to cosign on a loan for college…
I said, "what's your angle?"
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.
I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
Time for conservatives to utilize their right to bear arms and liberate some prisoners
https://ift.tt/2r3gqiI
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.