It’s alright. We know that feel.
Happy Father's Day!
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier." So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground." "Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
He's now a seasoned veteran.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?” Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.” The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”. Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
Because he has herd them all.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any?" "Any what?" "Yes please!"
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
they're so full of themselves.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
No One was shocked
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
They always take forever to say… ha ha?
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
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She looked surprised.
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
They turnip the beets
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it