It’s always his fault
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Does this counts as “when pigs fly”? ’cause if it does I may have a hot date tonight.
https://ift.tt/2Vi1kCo
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He can’t say ‘please’ which I think is poor for four
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn’t believe in science.
Her name is Dee.
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
They lost my case.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
A man is at his wife’s funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’. The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.
How do you milk a sheep?
Put an apple logo on your product.
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
Walking is just teleportation…
but with extra steps!