Its at the top just very small
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date."
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
I bought the worst thesaurus today
Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
Where does the cynic go to pray ?
The Cynicgogue
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
My obese parrot died yesterday.
I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
Kidnapping Congress
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Whats the difference between an envelope and a window?
Nobody looks at you funny when you lick an envelope
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
Observing student-facilitated genetics presentations, this has been my experience:
https://ift.tt/2XM0qgO