It’s been 3 weeks in lockdown. Our family is… bored
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I accodently froze myself to -273 degrees
But don't worry, I'm 0K.
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
What is the strongest cereal brand?
Shredded wheat.
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
V
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
Why was Yoda afraid of seven?
Because six, seven eight.
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Give ‘em the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
I can make the boss give me the day off.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
I was interviewing for a job and they asked if I would be alright with travelling –
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!