It’s been half an hour, somebody help me..
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
“look over there”
"over where?" "I just made you say 'pants'…" (Made up by my 7 year old who never fails to giggle at "under where?" jokes)
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
Two blondes went out deer hunting…
…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier." So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground." "Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own… so does she."
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.
During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "Oh, well, that won't work.." said the Son. The Mom, now curious, asks why not, and the son say "Well, as soon as you fall asleep, Ms.Dollip (Their neighbor) comes in and blows him back up again."
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana,
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, “You died in your sleep, Bob.” Bob was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!" "Never!" said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB!! Wake up!! You've shit the bed!"
Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women
Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is. "Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says. "Wow! And that works?" Mike asks. "Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife. "Dave, is that you?"
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
I was telling my friend there’s only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."