It‘s been like this since 2016.
I would tell you guys a joke about this girl I know who only eats greens, however
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls?
They have a high rate of return
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONN
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONNHello everyone! I’m Phuong Tran, a medical student and come from VietNam.And I have some elsevier accounts, and I want to share it with everyone. And you can access Scopus, Sciencedirect, Clinicalkey.The account is register by your email and used with two mobile apps and one website. Registration fee is very cheap, 2$ per month and 20$ per year.If you want to register an uptodate account, send to me a message Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100012033042613 or telegram https://ift.tt/3cIXwzD will subscribe account first, then you will transfer after received your account py Pay Pal.
I was fired from the keyboard factory today
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
Guy named Eddie walks into the men’s room at a bar.
As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?" "What can I do for you?" says Eddie, praying he isn't going to ask what he thinks he might. Sure enough, he does. "I know this is a lot to ask of a complete stranger, but would you mind unbuttoning my trousers so I can take a leak? As you can see, I'm in a tight spot here." Eddie grimaces a little before reluctantly agreeing. He quickly reaches over and undoes the guy's zipper. Armless guy then says, "Do you think you could, you know, pull it out for me? Sorry to ask, but I'm about to piss myself. Eddie says, "You gotta be kidding. You're asking me to grab your dick and aim it towards the pisser?" "Please, man, I don't have any other options here." Eddie, feeling sorry for the guy and feeling pissed off simultaneously, mutters to himself as he reaches in, and gingerly pulls out his dick. As he does, he first of all notices this putrid smell before seeing several open oozing sores on the guy's dick. Totally disgusting. While the guy is pissing, Eddie rushes over to the sink and washes his hands in hot water. As the armless guy finishes up, Eddie grabs a couple of paper towels because he knows what's coming. Sure enough, he gets asked if he'll put it away for him. As he tucks the guy's horrific pecker back into his trousers and buttons him up, Eddie says to the guy, "OK listen, I'm sorry but I have to ask … What the hell is the deal with your dick?! "Beats the shit out of me," he answers, and then produces both arms from inside his jacket and slides them into his sleeves, "But I sure as fuck don't want to touch it."
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
What kind of car does someone visiting Norway drive?
A Fjord Tourist.
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . . The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for three minutes." The Englishman said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Guy Ritchie movies taught me all the British slang I know
Guy Ritchie movies taught me all the British slang I know
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!”
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa