I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
I will die in a month
but don't know in which one.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
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I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep." The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing." So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise. The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait… Again, nothing. They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise." So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?" The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
My teacher told me to turn in my essay…
But I ain’t no snitch.
Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out “BOSTON STROG” in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
A Nazi walks into a bar
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman. Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
classic
classic
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing…
They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!" The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed. "I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out." The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?" "Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman "Yes." replies the fish. "Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?" "Yes." "And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?" "Yes." "Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He is disqualified
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.