It’s called the Information Super Highway…
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A SEA-SAW
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.
So i took down his confederate flag.
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says “Dad look…”
"I'm breathing underwater." I've never been prouder.
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
I don’t know any dean jokes.
No text found
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
Robin: Did you name all of the products in the bathroom after yourself Batman?
Batman: Of course not. Robin: Batshampoo? Batman: Okay, yes there is that. Robin:……… Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didn’t stop ringing
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”
I said, "Good idea – we can cover more ground that way!"
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
She looked surprised.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
Why do graveyards have fences?
Cause people are dying to get in.
Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says “Jason, you know I can’t serve Robins here”
Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!" Then he beats him to death.
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.