It’s Christmas already?
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
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A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2
Comic Sans walks into a bar
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…
“Oh yeah? Then you’re the King of nothing!”
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
My wife and i decided we don’t want to have children!
We will be telling them tonight.
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.
"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.