It’s christmas day, Mariah Carey opens her present, it’s a piece of paper saying she’s been gifted a piece of residential land, she isn’t impressed stating
"I don't want a lot for christmas"
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
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Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.
80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
What happens when you eat Aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison?
A small medium at large
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
What do you call a rodent with a machine gun?
A ratatatatat
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
Me and my girlfriend are just too different…
I exist and she doesn't
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
My teacher never farts in public.
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
I saw this odd guy walking towards the cemetery with a shovel…
I had grave concerns
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
My wife is mad at the fact that I don’t have a sense of direction…
So I packed my stuff and right.