It’s christmas day, Mariah Carey opens her present, it’s a piece of paper saying she’s been gifted a piece of residential land, she isn’t impressed stating
"I don't want a lot for christmas"
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The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
I wish I had a pony.
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
You sheet metal.
it had a bad pilot
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
She's such a Thyme waster
A small medium at large
Me: sipping toast why?
A four-chin teller.
The king offered him a free palace stein
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
I exist and she doesn't
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
I said," No, it doesn't."
He replied, “No sun.”
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
Jack and the beans talk.
A receding hairline.
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
I had grave concerns
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
So I packed my stuff and right.