It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
If you’re ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don’t panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
Australians don’t have sex
They m8
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Gandalf!”, and “Mordor!”.
Always Tolkien in her sleep…
I was going to make a depressing joke.
But my parents already made one.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah. "How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson. It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdullah. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Abdullah said with a big smile. “There's a musician here – he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro! There is a judge in here – he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour. There's a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor. And me – I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Arab.
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s keys in the door. “Stay where you are”, she said. “He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice”.
The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept. A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue. The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He didn't move at all. They did it. A couple of hours later, she repeats the process – he is still passed out – they repeat the pairing. Then Just before dawn the wife wants one more ride. So she reaches over and plucks a third ass hair! Whereupon the husband looks at the lover and says, "I don't mind you screwing my wife but do you have to keep score on my ass??
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
I’m going to freeze myself -273.15°
My friends are worried, but i will be 0K
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!” The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles. The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!” Edit: Thanks for the silver!
What do you call half of a Russian tree?
“Demi-tree”
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "That's from Grandma."
It’s my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes… Why couldn’t the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?
Because he was already stuffed… Sorry, I'll do better next year – definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
An old woman asks her husband of 60 years
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough…
At least, that’s what it says in her diary…
When a Tesla drifts,
It's called the electric slide
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. “Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."