It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
As a Mathmatician…
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
I called the doctor and screamed, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Calm down, is this her first child?”
I shrieked, “No! This is her husband!"
I don’t trust French food
It always gives me the crêpes
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
I’m not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If you’d like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this… Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke…
she would have $0.77
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
Kentuckians
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.