It’s even better when his supporters deny the existence of unedited video that shows exactly what he said
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
Mom, dad… I’m gay…
My mom looked at my dad. My dad clenched his fists. My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT" …. My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
What’s the opposite of urine?
I'm out
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My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
Yesterday I confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
I don’t hate bread
I loaf it 🍞
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
https://ift.tt/2Z0YCDy
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
Three old and deafening men were hanging out at a bar.
The first says: “Windy isn’t it?” The second says: “Wednesday? Isn’t it Thursday?” The third says: “Thirsty? Let’s order some drinks!”
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”
It was a third degree burn.
Why do stormtroopers only have iPhones?
They couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
My son asked me, “Dad, what is coincidence?”
I said, “Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing.”
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
