It’s funny because HITLER IST DER FÜHRER DES DEUTSCHEN REICHES
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman…
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better…" and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956…". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
I told my dad Stan Lee died…
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
I took a bath with bubbles
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My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
It takes guts to be an organ donor
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Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.
Shit, wrong thread.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing…
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
What is a pirates favourite musical note?
The high C.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out
What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?
Most Americans don't get it.
What do you have when you buy the wrong meat at the store.
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.