It’s funny because it’s accurate…but also sad because it’s accurate.
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
Dads are just like boomerangs..
.. I hope
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.
nothing tops a plain pizza
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I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
No text found
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.
Bad knock-knock joke #3
Knock knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? I'm sorry, did you sneeze? Bless you.
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.