It’s funny cuz it’s true.
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
Did you know there was a Knight who always refused to fight in battle?
His name was Sir Render.
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
To whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
https://ift.tt/2Ocoyq2
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
Three old and deafening men were hanging out at a bar.
The first says: “Windy isn’t it?” The second says: “Wednesday? Isn’t it Thursday?” The third says: “Thirsty? Let’s order some drinks!”
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Why is the plane on r/woooosh?
Because it flew over your head.
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George’s hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.
An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room. Inside the room were two chairs. "Now sit down in these chairs," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says we should sit down in these chairs," replied George. So George and Ted sat down in the chairs. The photographer pulled out her camera and pointed it at the birthday brothers. "Now let me focus," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to focus," replied George. "Wow!" exclaimed Ted. "Both of us at the same time?"
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
A poor Irish family…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.