It’s getting old
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
The shortest sentence is ‘I am.’
The longest sentence is ‘I do.’
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
My wife embarrased me by ordering a racially insensitive drink at Starbucks today…
She ordered a Black coffee, I quickly apologized to the barista and said, "I'm sorry she meant to say an African Americano."
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is OK.
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
A man with a stutter answers an ad for “bible salesman wanted”.
He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more." The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says. "Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "
A Redditor walks into a bar
Just kidding, Redditors don’t socialize
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
Valerie
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis." "I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance." The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Where do dogs keep their cold summertime treats?
In the pant-ry
A professional limbo player walks into a bar,
He was disqualified
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
How to die from falling down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 9, Step 22, Step 23,
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?
I'm asking for a friend.
Pilot, copilot joke.
Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges. They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps. They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps. The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps. They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps. They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What do call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Might be the first meme my dad has ever sent me, a tried and true boomerhumor staple
https://ift.tt/2XTcKOB
Sex is like a poorly explained joke.
I don't get it.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.