Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
because its hands were constantly touching its face
They both never get old.
He pasta way
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…we can’t hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.
wants your draaaiiins
They sometimes get elected.
I found that 100% of people were upset when the tent collapsed.
Around the world in eighty days.
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Then it hit me.
He was lucky it was a soft drink
I have to tell someone about this because I’m at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they’re to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!…..IT WAS TRIX!
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
He got a little behind in his work.
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
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