It’s good to have bed manners
Old but gold
5 million years of torture caw caw
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
I made a tardigrade meme.
Pretty gourmet shit he’s done here
I could use a sandwich.
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
Just thought you people might enjoy my Halloween costume last year more than my friends did
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
CaNnOt ReSoLvE sYmBoL ‘string’
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD
It was here a minute ago Edit : fixed the spelling
Dad…I have an imaginary girlfriend
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
Makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
Venice, COD in real life.
Every science class you’ll always have negative thoughts
Personally, i dont like python
Everyone’s first code
I’ve seen enough I’m satisfied
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
Spotted on English lecture
I see a Big Nose and a Wife but.. a decent joke too?!?
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.
He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?" Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help." Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?" Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
Something to ponder over!
bUt tHeY aRe pArT oF hIsToRy!
Is this hacking?
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Faggot."
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
Watching the time go by
The Only Programming Language Tier List We Need
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
My grandpa’s full of these. I’ll send more
What do you get from a pampered Cow?
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
There are 6.02×10^23 guacas in a guacamole,
Which is also known as avocado’s number
Posted to Facebook, from a phone
Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife…
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
You can’t stop Plasma from existing 5th grade science teachers
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
I am deeply disturbed by this one
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car………
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
Boomer meme funny
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
How is that legal?
I dunno guys
Comment the room temperature in kelvin without googling for formulas
Was told to put this here
What is Yoda’s last name?
Lay hee hoo
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Roman guy: You won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Second Roman: mmm? Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many