It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
Like my silver medal did for me at the Catholympics…
…prove that you're second to nun.
It all
The title says it all.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
How can you tell when a joke is a ‘dad joke’?
When its apparent.
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
I tried to catch Santa last night.
I poisoned his milk but he found out and killed my dad.
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
Sperm donors wanted
Please come quickly.
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.