It’s hell out there
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
Time for conservatives to utilize their right to bear arms and liberate some prisoners
https://ift.tt/2r3gqiI
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
In one lost episode, Superman almost dies because he was wearing the wrong sized cloak.
He had a narrow S cape.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
Why couldn’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
I’ve compiled my bucket list.
I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
I hate it when they say, “white people can’t dance”…
Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
Goodbye Daddy !
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.” The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.” She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
