Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. āWalk or text us Ranger.ā
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
Iāll never forget my granddadās last words to me just before he diedā¦
āAre you still holding the ladder!?ā
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
Two reasons why itās hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts.
It was Riveting.
I’m flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.
Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ādad, canāt you just use a sponge?ā
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.
A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed. It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. Unfortunately, it takes him a while to gather the medicines he thinks he might need and the checkout line is longer than normal. He buys some cold medicine, some pain killers and some cough drops for the next day. When he is finally done, he heads home. It is now quite dark and a chill has set in so he is not in the best of spirits. When he makes it back to the graveyard, a cloud passes in front of the moon. Luckily he knows the graveyard well and can navigate it without a problem. It's quiet and he hears a noise behind him. thump thump thump He looks around but can't see anything in the dark. He quickens his pace. He hears the sound again, but louder. THUMP THUMP THUMP He is genuinely frightened now and starts to run. The sound grows louder still. THUMP THUMP THUMP As he's running, he glances back and the moon emerges from behind the clouds. To his horror, he sees a coffin, standing on end, bounding towards him. THUMP THUMP THUMP He breaks into a sprint and slams the gate to his yard shut as he passes by. The coffin breaks through the gate, unhindered. THUMP THUMP THUMP He slams the door to his house and frantically locks it. The coffin breaks down the door. THUMP THUMP THUMP He scrambles to the end of the room and knocks a table over to block it's path. The coffin breaks through the table. THUMP THUMP THUMP He cowers against the wall, sure that his fate is sealed. In a last ditch effort, he tosses the cough drops at it. And the coffin stops.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, āFree Justin Bieber tickets inside!ā
Thankfully it was just a virus.
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Iāve been looking for my ex girlfriendās killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
I donāt get why people hate necromancers so much.
Canāt a guy just raise a family in peace?
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
āThere isnāt a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,ā she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."