It’s just beer now
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
A man walks in through the front door after work
and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing. "Woah woah woah…what gives?!?" the man says. The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up. "I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocket!" his wife exclaims. She presents a small slip of paper with a woman's name and some digits on it. "That?!? Honey it's the name of a horse I'm betting on this weekend! Come on!!" Defeated, she apologizes and retreats back to the den. The next day the man gets home from work, and low and behold she lunges at him again as he walks through the door, smacking him left and right even more violently than the day before, shouting obscenities he didn't even know she was capable of. "Jesus what did I do this time?!?" the man bellows with his arms guarding his face. "The HORSE called!"
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.
But I managed to pull it off
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m planning to give it a shot.
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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Our friend Chuck hasn’t contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
Because long time no C.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Man walks into a bar with a boot on his head
The Canadian bartender says, "what's that about?" Man says, "yes."
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!". He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
A friend said she did not understand cloning…
I told her that makes two of us…
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
a skelepun
so, being a fan of Undertale, i know a skeleton of skelepuns. lemme tell ya, they’re all rib ticklers.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying.
I can also tell if they are standing.
My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when I flip your MOM over.