It’s just wholesome
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
An airplane is about to crash!
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are
https://ift.tt/33jE0FJ
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
What’s tiny and can be found on the beach?
A Microwave.
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
What is a Math Teacher’s favorite superhero?
FOUR, GOD OF NUMBERS!
I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
I write songs about sewing machines…
I’m a Singer songwriter.
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
Why is a leather jacket good for camouflage?
Because it's made of hide
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, ‘what would Jesus do?’
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
https://ift.tt/2M06X2D
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.