It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
A friend told me that he doesn’t understand how cloning works.
I told him, “That makes two of us.”
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
https://youtu.be/zkcAPgm42-c
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.
I think it's just a stage he's going through.
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
One cosy Friday evening, my girlfriend said she wanted to watch Grease.
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!
I’m so happy its tick season soon…
I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
What did the coat say to the hanger
We should hang out sometime.
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?
Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers