It’s kinda true
Whatβs Yodaβs last name?
Layheehoo
I panicked thinking I was gonna be fired cause I nailed my bosses daughter.
Then I became calm realizing I am self employed.
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I donβt see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
Why donβt you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because theyβre good at it.
Not typical young people or wife bashing, but i felt like this was a pretty boomer joke
https://ift.tt/2ZPoEb4
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
Why does the Keyboard work 24 hours…
Because, it has two shifts.
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"
How do volcanos feel about jokes?
They LAVA good joke!
[nsfw] some parents find their teenagerβs browser history
Itβs full of s&m porn. Mom says: well what are we going to do? Dad says: what do you mean? Mom says: well.. we canβt spank him.
On the news: βnearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every yearβ
Me, to my wife: βthatβs stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!β
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
People are dying all around the world just to mess with your loser president *eye roll*
https://ift.tt/33vbr99
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
Describe yourself in three words
Not good at math
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where heβs going.
βIβm heading to a lecture,β the man slurs in response. βA lecture?β the skeptical cop responds. βWho would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?β βMy wife,β the drunk man answers.
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
Bouncer?
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Why?" "I don't know who you are and this is my trampoline."
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
Told this Chemistry joke before on here…
… But I got a very bad reaction
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
It was Mike the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.