It’s like déjà vu all over again
I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”…
He’s a small arms dealer…
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
During this outbreak, we must follow all directions from the Police
So don't stand so close to me
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
Are your kids twins?
A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice …"
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains
It was a Toto failure.
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
